Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
