WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
