Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I enjoy the company of your penis
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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