ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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