@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
