Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
