So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
