I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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