Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
