Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
