Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Couch. On fire.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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