Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
