im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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