In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Someone came in the potted fern
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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