I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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