don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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