My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
