Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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