we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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