I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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