Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
