Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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