my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
