Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
