my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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