Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
