Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
