Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
