i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
