Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
