Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
