So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
