If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
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