non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
