Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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