i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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