I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
