Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I had to cum in my sink.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
