Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
