someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
