The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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