Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
