White coat. Heels.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
