Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
