just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
