Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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