i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
