Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
