Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
