I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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