there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
